Couple shares impact suicide has on families

Lori Hammelman
Posted 10/20/17

This is the third part of a series on mental health issues and where residents in the region can find help and support.

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Couple shares impact suicide has on families

Posted

ROCHELLE — Grief, guilt, confusion, feeling lost.

Survivors of a suicide loss often describe going through a gamut of emotions and the never-ending question — could this have been prevented?
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, there are a number of risk factors for suicide including a family history of suicide, substance abuse, isolation, prolonged stress, access to firearms, or a serious or chronic medical illness. Shown as the 10th leading cause of death among Americans, the risk of suicide increases in those diagnosed with a mental illness.
One Ogle County family shared their own personal story of suicide, losing their son over seven years ago. “John and Sally Smith” recently sat down with Rochelle resident Tracy Brooks, recounting the days, months, and years leading up to “Adam’s” suicide.
Brooks became familiar with mental illness after her son Chad was diagnosed in 2006 with a general anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. Since that day over a decade ago, Brooks, along with husband Mic, and Chad have embarked on a journey so many others face. Brooks joined NAMI where she has met people like the Smith family who have experienced the effects of mental illness.
“We hear so much about suicide awareness and prevention, but is it realistic to think it’s possible to prevent suicide? Was there anything anyone could have done to stop Adam’s suicide? Absolutely not. His family and friends tried everything possible. He appeared to be doing better,” Brooks said. “Often times individuals will seem happier when they have made the decision and found a way to do it. They see a way out of the pain.”
Their story
The Smiths spoke fondly of their son, Adam, an excellent student who also loved sports. John recalls Adam as always being by his side growing up “virtually every second of every day.”
“Adam was everything I ever wanted in a son. I coached him in different sports, and he was an outstanding catcher,” John said. “ From elementary on into high school, he was academically talented and had a host of friends. In his senior year, he received the presidential award for scholar athlete. He played football, basketball, and baseball.”
In retrospect, John and Sally now see there were “telltale signs” that their son was suffering with a mood disorder. Adam would rock when he was a child which was perhaps his manner of processing anxiety even then. He would get extremely frustrated in school at not having the perfect drawing or handwriting, even staying in from recess to replicate the cursive chart.
Sally noticed her son’s depressive behavior years later, recognizing the symptoms as she had experienced the disorder herself, managing it through medications. Sally encouraged Adam to seek help, but to Adam this was a sign of weakness.
“I suggested he go see the psychiatrist whom we knew to be very good at helping people get on the right medications. He went to see him once and never went back,” Sally said. “Again, he felt that he could take care of it on his own; he didn’t want to feel weak or needing help. In addition to the unrealistic expectation that he could take care of his health problem himself, he also was in denial about it. There wasn’t much discussion after that; he kept it all to himself.”
“He wanted so much to NOT have a problem, he wanted to be like everyone else and to not feel flawed in any way,” John added.
The Smiths said that Adam was well-liked in high school, and their house was the place for driveway basketball and lots of pizza deliveries. He tended to be shy around girls and wasn’t one to use profanity. His parents were told he never said an unkind word to anyone. In college, he had a few friends, but not many.

“We had set him up in a really nice apartment there, but maybe he did not feel worthy of such a place and moved into another apartment without us even knowing about it. It was a horrible place,” John said. “After college, he got a job with a park district. We thought things were going okay, but we would hear stories about his drinking. He was never drunk around us, but there were a few times we could tell he’d had too much.”
Adam did seek means to help with his anxiety by jogging and listening to self-improvement tapes. After a devastating breakup of a relationship and being passed over for a promotion at work, Adam later shared that excessive drinking followed. Sally remembers Adam being “crushed” by those two events. Especially hurtful was his boss telling him that they needed a more creative person for the new position. He experienced panic attacks and abruptly quit his job, but he did find maintenance and landscaping work.
An organization that Adam had worked for during summers in high school hired him on as an assistant director. This was also the same organization that John had worked at before retiring, although that had no bearing on Adam getting the job. “By the time Adam checked into work, it was clear that something huge was going on. The night we celebrated his getting the job, you could tell he had been drinking heavily,” John said. “That was the first time I got really concerned.”
John recalls many sleepless nights filled with worry. During that time, John’s parents had died and both Sally and John had been busy with settling his parents’ estate. An intervention was planned, but before that could happen, John contacted Adam, asking if he had a drinking problem.
“He said yes. The next day I took him to a morning AA meeting,” John said. “On the drive, I reminisced with him that going to AA had been one of the best days of my life and that having him come with me was the second best. AA is where I found the solution to my problem, and I knew it would help my son as well.”
Adam attended the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings sporadically, drinking on and off. After being confronted at work about his drinking, Adam went to a treatment center but left soon after. John and Sally found him and took him to a hospital. As soon as it was possible, they took him to another treatment center where he stayed for three weeks. Because his insurance ran out, Adam needed help with the cost. John and Sally were able to help, but Adam felt badly about that. To add to his distress, he and his wife had to file bankruptcy.
“Adam’s personality simply would not let him surrender to what he felt were weaknesses in his character,” Sally said. “He continued to have unattainable expectations for himself and felt like a failure when he could not live up to them. The stigma surrounding addictions and mental illnesses contributed to this a great deal. He never stopped trying to be perfect.”
Adam’s parents admit it was “beyond heartbreaking” to see him struggle from the illnesses that could have been treated. They said the worry and sorrow were agonizing.
“You feel like something bad is about to happen all the time. You talk and talk, take him to treatment only to have him leave and then watch him get sicker. It’s like watching him drown and having him refuse to get into the life boat that you have placed right next to him,” John said.
Adam died from suicide one day before he would have turned 42. The week previous to the tragedy, the family had spent a week on vacation. Adam actively played with his nephews and niece and seemed happy.
“He seemed so much better…I even told a friend when we returned home that I thought we were getting our Adam back,” Sally said.
“I walked by his office that Monday morning and said my usual hello to Adam like I always did; he replied hello back and seemed fine. But he left work early that day and followed through with the only way he could conceive to end the internal torment that would not leave him alone,” John said.

Stigma
“The tragedy of suicide is often hidden by stigma, myth and shame,” Brooks said. “People don’t always know what to say when they hear of a suicide. Adam’s parents’ advice — treat the loss the same as you would for any death. Offer condolences and talk about the person. They want to hear stories from those whose lives have been touched by their loved one.

Brooks also spoke about the discrepancies in treatment and evaluations. Families are at a loss many times trying to help their loved ones due to privacy laws put in place, or lack of insurance coverage.
“Even if you take a loved one to a facility for an evaluation they must be deemed a danger to themselves or others before they can be admitted. How ludicrous is that! We hear about the mentally ill going on killing sprees yet we have a system that requires violence before individuals can be treated,” Brooks said.
Adding, “It was an honor and privilege to hear Adam’s story from his parents and to share it. They are warrior parents who redefine the word brave. They advocate for laws to change, stigma to disappear, and try and transform their loss into legacy. Why? In hopes that even one family can be spared from the same devastating loss.”

Resources
National Suicide Prevention Line 1-800-273-TALK
For more information on NAMI, visit nami. Org.
To learn more about eliminating barriers to the treatment of mental ill visit treatmentadvocacycenter.org.