I am not handy when it comes to fixing things

Brad Jennings
Posted 6/27/18

I am not handy. I am not handy at all.

I am embarrassingly not handy. Horrifyingly not handy. My tool box is an unorganized mess, and quite frankly, I can’t tell what half of the tools in there are.

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I am not handy when it comes to fixing things

Posted

I am not handy. I am not handy at all.
I am embarrassingly not handy. Horrifyingly not handy. My tool box is an unorganized mess, and quite frankly, I can’t tell what half of the tools in there are.
Me: “Did you say you have a screw driver named Philip?”
Friend: “No, I said I need a Phillips head screw driver.”
Me: “Why do you want his head?”
I have tried over the years to change, I really have. I installed a toilet with my dad back in about 1993. OK, my dad did most of the installing while I stood around and acted like I knew what was happening. (Who knew toilets had a wax ring?)
When my kids were small, I dreaded them asking for toys that had to be assembled. When my son was about 5, we bought him a basketball hoop when we lived in Nebraska. I put that together in the freezing garage. It took hours when it should have taken about 15 minutes. Once I was finally done, I realized I couldn’t get it out of the garage. I had to take it apart and move it outside to be re-assembled.
That was not my finest hour. And I think I taught the neighborhood a few new words and phrases that night.

When my wife and I moved into our new house in Rockford, I went out to find a new grill. I kept at it until I found one that was already assembled.
Yes – I am that guy.
I marvel at my friends who can build things, install things and fix things. I have a couple of good friends who can do almost anything, actually. That includes mechanical work, electrical work, plumbing, carpentry – you name it.
So, I have found a niche for myself. Sure, I can stand around and hand you tools, but you might have to draw a picture for me. I can offer moral support and compliment you on the fine job you are doing, but that can get annoying.
So, I buy the beer.
This is something I excel at, folks. Yes, I can make a run to the liquor store while you fix my riding lawnmower. Would you like foreign or domestic? There is this great IPA that will go perfectly with the grease now covering your arm.
Trust me on this one.
I have this down, without question. Fixing an appliance means sticking with a domestic beer like a Miller product. If you do a horrible job, I might get you a Budweiser.
Actually building or wiring something means an import for sure. It could be a Hacker-Pschorr or possibly a Hoegaarden. There are some fine Mexican beers as well. Maybe a Modelo or a Sol.
And for the record, I will probably spring for a decent pizza as well. I might even make tacos.
So instead of staring at YouTube videos for hours on end trying to figure out how to wire this, mortar that or fix whatever, I will just smile and reach for my wallet.
Is that the easy way out? Yes. Is it manly? Possibly. Is it smart? Certainly. Especially if you want the project to actually be completed correctly.

Brad Jennings is editor of the Ogle County Life.