When the zombies come, I will be ready


I see a man was recently arrested after allegedly living at O’Hare Airport in Chicago for a few months.

It is like the movie “The Terminal” come to life.

My first thought was, who wants to live in an airport? Well, let’s look at the pros and cons. Clearly, the people watching would be fantastic, so there would always be something to do. And since you are basically hiding out, you would always be on the move, so you would probably lose weight.

The food choices would get old very quickly. Those $47 burgers at the airport are not that good, even when washed down by a $21, 8-ounce beer. And sleeping in an airport is never optimal. I don’t like to sprawl when I sleep, so airports are out.

Yes, I have thought about these things before. Why? Well, I love zombie movies. And if you love zombie movies, you have spent at least some time thinking about where you would go if you had to make a move during the zombie apocalypse.

If you are actually out and about when that happened, where would you rather be stuck? Here are some options and their pros and cons:

A gun store. This is the place that many dream of in such a scenario. You are, of course, surrounded by plenty of weaponry and ammo to hold off the hungry zombie hoards for a long, long time. As long as you don’t pray and spray too many times, you should be fine. Gun stores can also be pretty secure, another plus. The negatives? Well, unless there is an employee refrigerator fully stocked in the back room, you will be starving pretty soon.

A grocery store. Obviously, the big thing here is you have plenty of food to eat, and you can have some actual variety in your diet. But eat those fresh veggies and frozen items early – a zombie apocalypse means the power will be out soon and things will spoil. The cons are plentiful – no weapons unless there is something in a security room; a grocery store is big, meaning there is a lot of square footage to try to protect; once you run out of Ding Dongs it is basically game over.

The mall. Any zombie fan has seen “Dawn of the Dead,” where people are trapped in a mall after zombies rise up. Food, gear, entertainment – they are all available at the mall. But really, who wants to be in a mall in 2021? That is so 1985.

The Home Depot. Great place to find inventive weapons – nail gun, anyone? But if you think the people who work there now are not helpful, imagine how they will be as zombies. Steer clear.

Casey’s General Store. Seriously, this would not be a bad option. Casey’s has pretty much everything you would need, and there is one in pretty much every town in Ogle County. Food, clean bathrooms, and cigarettes for any smokers who get desperate. Weapons could be a problem, but just keep hidden and enjoy those Funyuns.

Target. Here it is, the gold standard of places to be stranded when the dead come back to life. OK, I know it will never happen, but stick with me here. Target has everything these days that you would want. There is food. There is clothing. There are plenty of things to use as weapons. Yes, it is big and might be hard to defend, but you should be able to find plenty of items inside to shore up poor defenses. 

Of course, you will never use any of this advice, but it is better than reading about politics, isn’t it? 

Brad Jennings is editor of The Ogle County Life.

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